Hardcore

Is what I used to be. This is my blog and I am allowed to brag. However, there is a point to all the bragging.

When I was in 10th grade I was awarded the All Round Best Student of my graduating class. I won 15 certificates of merit from Economics to English. From Best Speaker in a Debate to Best Elocutionist. From Basketball to Table Tennis. I got the over all certificate for General Proficiency reserved for the valedictorian of the graduating class. I was sports vice-captain in 9th grade and captain in 10th grade. At an assembly I started the school anthem.

In 11th and 12th grade I studied - physics, chemistry, biology and mathematics (with English and Bengali.) I was also studying for my medical entrance exams which meant three more classes of higher level physics, chemistry and biology. I debated with college students and helped out at an old age home. I played tennis and basketball. I had a surgery, PTSD, followed by some more handicaps that I can't care to talk about here.

In college, I studied - Economics, Literature, French and Education. I graduated with Honours. Top 5% of my class. I played basketball for my college and a club. I won best speaker at one of the most prestigious debates in India. I was President of the Student Council. Nominated as President of the Debating Society and Games Society. Through my first year I was still preparing for pre-med so I had another year of physics, chemistry and bio with econ, english and education. I ran 3 miles a day and did yoga 4 times a week. I swam 3 times a week. I started dating someone 10 years older than me and managed to keep things steady. I also worked at an old age home and did some content writing. I went on to work for Google.

During my Master's degree I studied 22 units per semester. I had a 20hr/week job. I was constantly applying for internships and jobs. I was in a long distance relationship. My first semester I walked 5 miles back and forth from school after I had run 5 miles in the morning. I interned at the Centre for Public Policy in India.

Now - I am burnt out. I am just exhausted mentally and physically.

However, today I met someone who inspired me. I was at a party with my friends from my grad school and this person blew my mind. Lets call the person "C." C was fit, funny and ferociously ambitious. Reminded me a lot of myself. C is easy to talk to and so so good with giving advice and tips that are career related. If I had to put my finger on it I would say that C has what it takes to rule a small country. C makes me want to rule a small country. I feel some of that old fire creeping back one flame at a time. I needed this unhealthy dose of go-getter juice. I think this is going to keep me on my toes for a while.

I have decided to be unabashedly, shamelessly ambitious. Today I made the decision that I AM going to be successful in every area of my life - career and personal. I will not choose and I will excel. Someone's got to be at the top - why not me? 

Let Go

417 11th Street, NE,
Washington DC, 20002

Time: 1.06 A.M.
April 10, 2011

My Surfacing Subconscious

I am known for my vivid dreams. I can't remember the last time I went to sleep and didn't watch an entire Hollywood blockbuster in my sleep. But last night was just plain disturbing. I am blogging about it because I just need to get it out of my system. Interpretations (sensible ones) are welcome.

I dreamed that I was on a houseboat that looked like a modified raft. It was barely in one piece. It was my wedding day. The groom was yet to be decided. I saw some men from my life there but none of them were attired to be the groom. Suddenly I saw an alligator/crocodile/water monster slowly gliding towards the raft. It was peaceful but once it came close to the raft and heard the noise it got agitated. In retrospect it kind of looked like the minotaur in water. Anyway, it started attacking the raft and to pacify it I jumped into the water. For some reason I had on hiking boots with my wedding trousseau and I took off those boots and started hitting the monster on the head with it. It still didn't harm me. But my Dad jumped in and it hurt my Dad. After a while the monster left. Everything was in shambles but the wedding had to go on. Until I realized, horror of horrors, I was going to marry my Dad. Why? Because I owed it to him for fighting off the monster.

This dream is disturbing on so many different levels. When I woke up I felt like I had been through the Crusades. Still exhausted and probably really going to regret this public display of my subconscious mind soon.

Will He? Won't He? Does He? Doesn't He?

Of late a lot of my girl friends have been going through phases. It goes something like this:

Found him
Met him twice
Got over him

Of course being girls it is not as simple as all that. I should know! In those three phases we give away such a huge part of ourselves that it takes a while to salvage all the broken pieces together. I had a cardinal rule book when it came to men. Here are some of the rules in the book:

1. Never ever feel bad for a boy. This is the trickiest one. We women are so easily drawn into men who have some kind of story from their past. It could be ex-lovers, disinterested parents, bad friends, drug habits even. Once while discussing the type of guy we fall for a friend of mine declared that her type was the loser . Its not much of a surprise when you know that women do have a nurturing tendency and this type just draws you in. Also, remember that boys rarely feel bad for themselves. They dust themselves and walk away from whatever it is that got them down. So us wasting time going... "awww.. but he is that way because so and so did so and so in the past" is the biggest waste of our time ever. Don't give him a patient hearing. Ask him to man up. Don't bother with his sob stories.  Definitely don't take chicken soup to his house if he comes down with one of his man colds. Where are his guy friends for crying out loud?

2. Do not date damaged goods. Its going to take while to realize that he is damaged goods. But what I am saying is if he is the brooding intellectual, moody genius, angry young man... stay clear - unless you liked Jennifer O' Connolly's life in A Beautiful Mind. Unless the guy makes you laugh and brightens up your day he is really not worth holding on to - even for another second.

3. You are NOT going to change him. So when he says he is a bastard repeatedly - take him at face value. Its his way of saying - I am a bastard and nothing will make me change, not even you. Kiss him on his cheeks and take your heart and run!

4. Finally be honest about what you want. If you want a relationship - let him know. If you see his knees visibly shaking you will know what to do. If you want to see where it goes- let him know that too.. men probably love girls like you. If you just wanna have fun - make sure you take every precaution in the world. Physically and emotionally!

5. If you are looking for your Prince then kiss all the frogs you want. But remember if all you seem to come across are toads you are probably in the wrong pond!

I am no expert by any standards but if I had to one day tell my daughter really quickly the lessons I learned after 7 years of dating this is what I would tell her.

Love Deficit

I have come to realize of late that no amount of love is ever enough from the people you are attached to. Every relationship functions on this basic notion of a love deficit. Sometimes we play the giver and sometimes the taker. Dynamics change and the form of expressing love changes but the trade of love and affection continues and in its constant ebb and flow keeps a relationship alive. By these standards I am definitely in the Greece category.

Like every trade we keep our little brown book of numbers. Times someone hurt us or didn't live up to our expectations go in red and times when we were swept off our feet go in green. However, unlike all other accounts these numbers never balance each other out. Some remain in the green no matter how little trade there is and some... Sometimes the account closes abruptly when someone defaults. Sometimes we learn not to trade with these people or live in hope of evening out this default someday. 

I feel very blessed to have the love accounts I have. Strangely, though I always feel like I need more and more love I have come to realize that the people in my life who matter are currently all in green. Time to stop being a net importer and start exporting I guess :) 

25 Things My Friends Know About Me

I am turning 25 soon! Just did this on a whim... 


1. I got my hair completely curled at the age of 5 - it was my birthday gift that year. I dont know why my mom allowed it.

2. I went to boarding school from the age of 4-15. Now the hair curling doesnt seem so shocking.

3. I have taken rabies shots without being bitten. Twice!

4. I still havent had my eyebrows done.

5. I can cook and I am a terror once I am in the kitchen.

6. The only place that I am completely at peace is my parents home.

7. I could speak 4 languages by the age of 4.

8. I was a really precocious reader and was reading Victor Hugo when I was 13. Lawrence Sanders at 11.

9. I lie about not having read Mills and Boons.

10. I love sports. I eat, sleep, dream and drink sports. If I am out of touch with sports for too long my energies find lots of destructive channels.

11. I had a horrible adolescence. I hated every moment of it and wouldnt give anything to go back.

12. I love reading. I actually set OKR's for myself when it comes to reading and have always exceeded them.

13. I want to go pick up my child from school at the end of the day and wear cotton sarees and buy her chat and drive back hearing her talk non-stop. (not in the next 8 years)

14. My ambitions have been- Miss Universe, Prime Minister, Archeologist, Pilot, Neurosurgeon, Anything, Something.

15. I love studying. I studied pure science in high school and loved calculus. I appeared for the AFMC (Armed Forces Medical College) examinations twice and didnt make it.

16. I am pretty vindictive and never forget anything. I am trying to get over that for the last 10 years.

17. I am a complete bengali at heart and love sad movies, sad songs, sad stories, fish and rice.

18. I never learn from my mistakes.

19. I was named after both my grandmoms - Gita and Anjali. I really like my name.

20. I miss my school days a lot- from the first day in school to the thursday and sunday lunches to the music times and the tuck time and the walks and the bornfires and last dinners and packing to go home.

21. I have been referred to as a "walking talking bundle of inappropriateness." I am. And I am trying to work on that too.

22. I was OCD'd as a kid and once took 3 hours to put on a pair of socks. My dad thinks I have graduated from socks to shoes nowadays.

23. I am sure I would be really happy with nothing to do in my life.

24. I love my teeth.

25. I have a whole lists of things that annoy me and a list of people I want to kill. Both of them are not yet exhaustive :)

Uprooted No More

Is how I am beginning to feel now. After two months of coasting along different cities and houses and couches I am beginning to feel a lot more rooted. Its a feeling I never associate myself with after the last 4 years of my life. I know that this is another short-lived stint in a new city but I am embracing it for now.

Other news: a very close friend of mine is probably going to make it to this country. It is all very very exciting. I am already planning parties in my head.

A lot has happened in the last two months some of which I still need time to think and assimilate. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the girl in this ad but I am still pretty cool!