For my Dida

I started writing this out as a toast to my difficult life in Monterey and changed my mind to write about someone who knew what the word difficult really meant- my Dida (grandmother). She passed away two years ago on my birthday. It was a really difficult time for my family as they watched her struggle with cancer in the final stages. But this is not to talk about her pain but about the spirit of endurance that she instilled in all her children, a filtered down version of which is now a very strong part of my life.

Dida ended her formal education at the age of 9 when she came away to India as a refugee from Bangladesh (erstwhile Pakistan). She lived with her half-brothers. She looked after their children who were the same age as her. Her future looked bleak with her family still in Bangladesh and no one to give her the kind of looking after a child needed. I am told she was offered a role to act in a very popular Bengali movie opposite Uttam Kumar However her brothers would not let her take up acting because it was a disgraceful career.

Her elder sister found my Dida a suitable boy, my grandfather- who is the furthest thing from suitable even at this age! They got married and three kids followed in quick succession. My grandfather who was in the air-force had a quick temper and never hesitated raising hands on the kids. It was my Dida's quiet tenacity that acted as a balm to her kids.

As a grandmother I remember her being tireless. She would do everything to spoil everyone in the family and never ever asked for anything in return. My grandfather never gave her anything apart from the bare minimum required for sustaining the family and Dida managed to save something to give each of us - she would buy us little gifts as children. She is one of the most imaginative people I ever met. She would tell me about the constellations on balmy nights on the terrace. She would take me on boat rides across the Ganga every time I went to her house. She would take me to the kitchen and teach me Bengali delicacies.

She had the best sense of humour and even in my post-surgery condition she managed to make me laugh. That is saying something!

The house my grandparents lived in was called Gitasha. A conjunction of her name and the noun Asha (meaning hope.) Her house was her hope, something she never expected my grandfather to make a reality. Her elder son did make it a reality.

I get the first part of my name from her - Gita. If you inverse the syllables it becomes - Tyagi phonetically (meaning sacrificer.) Her name as well as her spirit live on in me. In a way she is my role model right up there with Gandhi. I wish I had known her better.

Something fall apart, somethings make you hold, somethings that you find all beyond your control

He left on the 15th and for one intense day I realized how madly I do love him. I never thought I would grow old so soon. But I could not have chosen better arms to grow old in.

I woke up to a really bad dream. I read some really old and sad emails. I did everything I should not do when I am sitting alone and need to get out and get some company. I just wanted something to make me cry and howl because I couldn't cry at the airport or on the caltrain.

Then I realized that I didn't want to cry because the memories we shared and the hopes we have are so bright. I realized that this was just a preview of the movie the rest of our lives could be. I realized that no one encourages me the way he does and I would not be the same person I am without him.

Its Been a While

I just watched the movie "Gandhi" and it stirred such strong emotions in me. The kind of feelings I remember feeling as a turbulent, hormonal, rebellious teenager. It was great. I have been looking for an idol forever. I think I just found mine. I wouldn't marry him but I would definitely worship him.

That being said, I am trying to incorporate some of his teachings in my lifestyle. Simple things like being satisfied with what I have, coveting less and performing more. Its the hardest thing for me to be still and be patient.

Also, the goal I had set myself, of reading at least one non-course related book every month seems to have collapsed like a souffle around my mad schedule. Grapes of Wrath was the last book and if I am not wrong it has been more than a month I picked up another book. I need to get my mind in order to be able to handle more material.

So far school has been good to me with nothing but A's in all my classes. Ok ok, I am allowed to boast a little in my own blog :)

Cheers to a new start

Its been a month since I got to the USA. I have been looking for the time and correct frame of mind to start writing about what it was for the otherwise anti-american to be in the one country in the world that I had promised I would never step on.

The one thing that I realised about the American experience is that it is made up of the people you meet and befriend. In that sense my first week in the US was dismal. I knew just one person and school had not yet started so I had no hope of meeting anyone new. I had a good mind to get on the next flight back to India!

Two weeks later I was loving my friends, my school and some of the classes. I am still settling down. I need to get used to getting groceries regularly and start cleaning up after myself. I also need to start exercising. I need to get down to some serious studying! All that apart it has been a great time and as Borat would have said "great success!"

A New Beginning

Its been a whole year since the new beginning and I still feel like I am discovering something new each day. I still don't know whether he will laugh at the next obnoxious thing I say or whether he is going to really stay angry with me when I stretch his patience to the limits.

I just know that its been the best year ever! Now, I am a little scared at the thought of moving yet again. But this time maybe, just maybe distance will not be a factor.

I am challenged by the resposibility and trust people have bestowed on me, including my parents. I must have done something right somewhere to deserve my family and J. Its all I can think of- their faith in me!