Love Deficit

I have come to realize of late that no amount of love is ever enough from the people you are attached to. Every relationship functions on this basic notion of a love deficit. Sometimes we play the giver and sometimes the taker. Dynamics change and the form of expressing love changes but the trade of love and affection continues and in its constant ebb and flow keeps a relationship alive. By these standards I am definitely in the Greece category.

Like every trade we keep our little brown book of numbers. Times someone hurt us or didn't live up to our expectations go in red and times when we were swept off our feet go in green. However, unlike all other accounts these numbers never balance each other out. Some remain in the green no matter how little trade there is and some... Sometimes the account closes abruptly when someone defaults. Sometimes we learn not to trade with these people or live in hope of evening out this default someday. 

I feel very blessed to have the love accounts I have. Strangely, though I always feel like I need more and more love I have come to realize that the people in my life who matter are currently all in green. Time to stop being a net importer and start exporting I guess :) 

25 Things My Friends Know About Me

I am turning 25 soon! Just did this on a whim... 


1. I got my hair completely curled at the age of 5 - it was my birthday gift that year. I dont know why my mom allowed it.

2. I went to boarding school from the age of 4-15. Now the hair curling doesnt seem so shocking.

3. I have taken rabies shots without being bitten. Twice!

4. I still havent had my eyebrows done.

5. I can cook and I am a terror once I am in the kitchen.

6. The only place that I am completely at peace is my parents home.

7. I could speak 4 languages by the age of 4.

8. I was a really precocious reader and was reading Victor Hugo when I was 13. Lawrence Sanders at 11.

9. I lie about not having read Mills and Boons.

10. I love sports. I eat, sleep, dream and drink sports. If I am out of touch with sports for too long my energies find lots of destructive channels.

11. I had a horrible adolescence. I hated every moment of it and wouldnt give anything to go back.

12. I love reading. I actually set OKR's for myself when it comes to reading and have always exceeded them.

13. I want to go pick up my child from school at the end of the day and wear cotton sarees and buy her chat and drive back hearing her talk non-stop. (not in the next 8 years)

14. My ambitions have been- Miss Universe, Prime Minister, Archeologist, Pilot, Neurosurgeon, Anything, Something.

15. I love studying. I studied pure science in high school and loved calculus. I appeared for the AFMC (Armed Forces Medical College) examinations twice and didnt make it.

16. I am pretty vindictive and never forget anything. I am trying to get over that for the last 10 years.

17. I am a complete bengali at heart and love sad movies, sad songs, sad stories, fish and rice.

18. I never learn from my mistakes.

19. I was named after both my grandmoms - Gita and Anjali. I really like my name.

20. I miss my school days a lot- from the first day in school to the thursday and sunday lunches to the music times and the tuck time and the walks and the bornfires and last dinners and packing to go home.

21. I have been referred to as a "walking talking bundle of inappropriateness." I am. And I am trying to work on that too.

22. I was OCD'd as a kid and once took 3 hours to put on a pair of socks. My dad thinks I have graduated from socks to shoes nowadays.

23. I am sure I would be really happy with nothing to do in my life.

24. I love my teeth.

25. I have a whole lists of things that annoy me and a list of people I want to kill. Both of them are not yet exhaustive :)

Uprooted No More

Is how I am beginning to feel now. After two months of coasting along different cities and houses and couches I am beginning to feel a lot more rooted. Its a feeling I never associate myself with after the last 4 years of my life. I know that this is another short-lived stint in a new city but I am embracing it for now.

Other news: a very close friend of mine is probably going to make it to this country. It is all very very exciting. I am already planning parties in my head.

A lot has happened in the last two months some of which I still need time to think and assimilate. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the girl in this ad but I am still pretty cool! 

Where I End

Over a cup of mosambi juice we discussed everything from soulless jobs to life long dreams and politics. The Indian monsoon, our catalyst, thrust us into a deep chemical reaction that made night and day one and wreaked utter havoc on our subconscious and conscious minds. 

In one dark room in the heat of summer we spend hours trying to unfold the mystery we found in each other. They were months of fevered desire that made it difficult to remember where everything began. They were times that made us lose all interest in life and all motivation because we found so much contentment that we couldn't contain without making place for it by destroying something else. So we destroyed all the past and began from scratch. Times when meeting friends for lunch seemed like foreplay because it teased out all the moments we would rather spend just with each other. Times when we knew that nothing would ever equal or come close to equaling what our bodies and minds were going through and yet we dove into the abyss relentlessly.  

A friend once told me that Native Americans always left a tiny flaw in their handmade jewelry. This saved the jewelry from the wrath of God's because only God was allowed to create perfection. I know that God does not create perfection because he created you. Remember that time I said - to me you are perfection? I lied. I meant to me you are perfectly flawed. To me you are where I began and where I end.

Thorn Birds

This is something I wrote a while back. I came across it today and I think I want to save it. 


Today was the day I learned to love. Never before did I understand or know that it would mean so much. But, today I understand that it was the best thing that happened to me.

They say that the thorn bird does not sing its sweetest song till the day it finds the thorn bush in which it can entangle itself and die. I am that bird.

I dont need to know that you will be there.. you will. I have felt you, in my dreams lying on my pillow. I have felt your breath down my neck though you were a thousand miles from me. I know that you and me together are more than just a memory.

And I will sing my sweetest song. Not for you alone, but because it makes me happy that you were the one who brought the song to my lips.

I knew not what I was capable of giving, bearing, holding.. till you showed me. Now I am a woman and so much more woman than I would ever be had you not met me. I will not miss you because you are me and I am you.. and I know that you will take care of me...

Lost in Transition

Since December 29, 2010, here are the places I have been:

1. Princeton, NJ

2. Manhattan, NY

3. Berkeley, CA

4. SF, 1886 Market @ Guerrero 

5. SF, 635 Minna St (after which I returned to NY)

6. Mont Clair, VA (after which I returned to NY again)

7. Falls Church, VA

I was supposed to somehow fit in the Boston but I decided to flake. 

So it won't come as a surprise that a few nights back I had a dream that I was back in my boarding school preparing for a basketball meet. However, I had no recollection of where I had slept the nights before. My teacher kept asking me for an address and I didn't have one. I was just lost. That sums up a lot of what I am feeling right now. In all my life I haven't changed as many beds as I did in the last one month. 

However, last night I finally ventured out into the suburban wilderness. My friend recommended this really nice Peruvian place for dinner thats 10 mins walking distance from my house and I decided to go there. Then stopped by and got some tea at Caribou Coffee. Caribou is quickly becoming a favourite of mine. I sometimes take my laptop and go work there. It has more character than most average coffee places in the US. It also has an uber cute barista who I think is from Turkey. 

O! Did I mention that I have a job that allows me to work from anywhere I want? Initially I was really skeptical but now I feel very Carrie Bradshaw-esque ala Sex and the City. Except I still need to find two GF's who are extremely sexually liberated and one who is a whore. I do have two really nice GF's in town who I intend to go watch a movie with over the weekend. 

O! Did I mention my tresses are gone? I still have to run my hands through to remind myself... 

What it means to be a Bangali...

A big part of being Bengali is being from the most progressive part of India. The first Indian women college graduates were from Calcutta. The first women doctors also from Bengal. All but one of India's Noble Laureates are from Bengal. As much as we try to be humble its hard to ignore the heritage that is such a perfect mix of history, culture and progression. 


Whether a Calcuttan admits it or not a big part of being Bengali is knowing what Marxism really means. Quite possibly the worlds longest surviving Marxist regime for close to 4 uninterrupted decades now - Bengal is hard baked against anti-communist propaganda. The red flags all over the state don't surprise any Bengali. I think it would be really surprising to go home to not find these flags. We take strikes and bandhs for granted. In fact back in school we just called it a holiday. All I am saying is that there is a reason that many people prefer Bengal as a place to retire. I am looking forward to seeing how the latest battle plays out. 


Food!!! The more the better. Calcutta is the food capital of India. Nowhere else in India will you find the same variety of Indian and international cuisine - a colonial heritage. Bengali's live to eat and not the other way around. Fish, spices and sweets. Ask any Indian and they will concur. Rarely will a Bengali woman who is not slightly chubby be considered beautiful. 


Emotions :( Yes we react and overreact. Bengali's are surrounded by emotional and sentimental people. Always suspect the Bengali that doesn't overreact. 


Melancholy - Don't roll your eyes and act like its untrue. You know the movies we love the most are the saddest ones. The books we recommend - also sad. Our favourite music - hella sad! We truly understand what Wordsworth meant when he said "... In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts bring sad thoughts to the mind." I think we got it the other way around though. 


Adda - There is no good translation for this. It is basically a chat. Of course this comes with endless cups of tea and pakoras... nom nom and PNPC (Para ninde para charcha.) 


Sound of ghungroos and raga's in the evening. If you grew up in Bengal you know that the smell of Dhuno in the evening is accompanied by that of Shankha and girls practicing their ragas or Bharatnatyam or Kathak. 

Finally as Vir Sanghvi said "But if you want a city with a soul: come to Calcutta ."